It has been a year now, Nov 17, 2007, since my nephew had his accident. I could not go visit him as the car was not working. I thought it would br nice to leave him something. This is going to be another rough holiday season without him, and even now I am having trouble typing. He and I may not have been the best of friends but I loved him a lot. He was such a pain in the ass, but what 16 year old is not. Zen we all miss you and love you so much. I have not even had a chance to go to his grave., but right now as it is just a day passed the one year mark, I am not sure if I could do it just yet. My husband is holding up much better than I could ever have expected. They were so close, he and Zen, almost inseperable. I miss geeking (Playing Dungeons and Dragons) with him as he was always a riot. I just miss him being around. He never even got to see the end of the evil that was his parent finally getting a divorce. Now his sister lives with the evil one instead of her dad. I think if Zen would have been here she would not be living with the beast. I feel for my brother in law as it has now been a year since he lost his best friend and only son. I cannot imagine what he is going through every day knowing that he will never see his son graduate high school, leave home, get married, etc. I don't think I would survive if I lost one of my kids. They are my world just as my brother in laws are his. I am sorry for the attrocious spelling as it is really hard to see the keys right now. I just keep hoping that he will find the peace in the next life that he never found in this one, and that he is not keeping himself from passing into the next life. He would have been turning 18 next April 30, and most likely going to be living with my husband and I. He never really got to know the boys but with all of the times we had been out there just before and after the baby was born, my oldest knew where Zen's room was. Everytime we were there he would run down the hallway leading to Zen's room and Zen would pop out at him. The day of the accident we had gone out there to comfort my brother in law, my oldest kept running down the hall waiting for Zen to pop out of his room and scare him. I though to my self that it is even though he is only a little over a year ( he is now 2) he knows and understands something is not right as his Zen is not comming out to play. Everytime he ran down the hall and this did not happen he would give me a quizical look almost asking why Zen was not comming out to play. I don't think remembers him now but we are going to keep the memory alive by monkeys. Yes monkeys everyone who knew Zen knows about the purple flying assassin ninja monkeys. It was something he had come up with at a gaming session. He love monkeys so we give they boys toy monkeys every now and then as a reminder of Zen and the love he had for the boys. Even though he did not get much time with them I know he love them and Alphamammas girls as well.

My birthday has come (October 1) and gone as just another day. That's ok though. We went to the St. Louis whiches ball and that was a lot of fun. I got to meet a few new people and make a few new friends. We also were able to get together with other Pagans like ourselves and find out about gatherings with peole like us. It was one of the best experiences I have had in a while. We now have a car thanks to my brother-in-law and my 1 year anivarsary is comming up on Oct 31. Yes we got married on Halloween. I know what a day to do that on. I now have a job although it is seasonal at least my kids will have a great YULE this year. Trying to get caught up on house work but failing miserably and not getting much help for anyone not even my husband. He though has a good reason not to be- He work for 5 am until 2 pm and then comes home and takes a nap. Then by the time he gets up it is dinner time and then after the boys are put down to bed we really cannot do much without waking them up, because the walls are so thin. We have found a new apartment that is cheaper and has about 1600sq ft instead of 700sq ft and has a washer and dryer. The only down fall is that we have to pay Gas and Electric and that will cost us almost 100 more a month. However for the extra amount of space it will be well worth it. My husband is going to either have to get a second job or he is going to have to quit giving me shit and let me go back to work. Anywho that is all for now just thought I would give everyone a quick update on what has been going on here.

We also are unablr to get my husbands 500GB external hard drive to work and I am worried we may loose all of the pictures we have on it and they are not backed up yet because my husband wants to burn them on DVD's instead og just regular cd's. If he would have just done as I wanted him to then we would at least have the kids pictures backed up and not be worried about loosing them forever. We have lost so many things that are important to use in the last year in a half noe I am afraid we are going to loose some of the most prize possitions other than my kids that we own and that is the pictures of them as they have grown to where they are now.

My baby no longer need Physical Therapy We were told that last week. I am still just so happy because we were told he would not crawl until a year or walk until about 15-24 mo of age. He however has beaten the odds and has been walking since he was 11 mo. I am so proud of him. He has endured so much in his life so far and beaten the odds. He is a very smart little man (too smart if you ask me, but smart none the less), and I am amazed at how well he has done, up to and including his little miracle with being able to over come the worst of the torticollis at such a young age when it was as bad as it was and caught later than most, and too top it all off it was the worst his Physical Therapist had ever seen with only being the torticollis and not CP. They actually thought he had CP for a while but now they are sure he does not. He is my little miracle baby, and I love him and his brother and sister sooooooooo much.
I really miss my step-daughter. I have not seen her in almost a month and only talked to her on the phone a handful of times. I will however at least see her on the 12th and 13th of October when we go to the St. Louis Witches Ball, but the boys will not because they are going to stay with my cousin that night. I am going to miss them, but I am hoping to have lots of fun.
I am kinda bummed that my birthday is comming up and no one has any money so we probably won't be able to do anything for it. I was just hoping to be able to go out with my kids (all of them) and my husband, Alphamamma and Gamma, (and maybe Bull but that depends on his mood lol). I guess I have gotten used to having people do things with me on my birthday ( thanks to my husband and Alphamamma), that now I actually am kinda sad when we cannot. That is what happens when you are an adult so, Oh well it's life get over it. I think the greatest birthday present right now for me would be that Adriana would be able to come up and stay with us now, but I know that is impossible right now but I can wish can't I.

I have finally convinced my friend who lives in Mexico to move back to the states. I am sooooooo happy. I don't think I have been this happy since the day I had my kids. I have a lot of work to do though. She is going to stay here until she gets her work visa and is able to get on her feet. I also am going to try to help her get up here as soon as she can. She is so unhappy there and I know she will be a lot better off way from her father who acts as though she doesn't even exist. I feel really bad for her because today is her birthday and last night she was so upset because she is another year older and still feels she has not accomplished anything. I however am going to do anything and everything to change that for her. She has always been there when I needed her now I am happy to say I can now do the same for her. I am so excited and am have a very had time containing it. It just seems so surreal right now but I know it will soon be set in that I am going to have my best friend/sister back. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I am just so freaking happy. I know it is going to be a lot of work and probably about 6 months until she is here but I have not seen her since I was a sophmore in high school and I have been out of school since 2002. So let me think, it has been about 7 years since I have seen her. We still luckly talk often but it really is not the same as having that person right there to talk to. I am going to do everything in my power to make her feel comfortable and welcome in my home (well it will be hers to soon), and hopefully she will be happy for once in her life. I miss her so much and I really cannot wait to see her again, and for her to meet my kids and husband. I really cannot wait for all of this to go down but I really need to get to work so bye for now.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I am loosing my head and cannot find my way out of the sea of depression. I cannot sleep, all I wanna do is cry but I won't in front of the kids. I don't know maybe I am too proud to let them see me like that. I want them to see me as a strong person, someone they can come to when they are down, and need comforting, not some weak, whinny, depressed person that has no real use in the world other than to feed them, and bathe them and put them to bed at night. I really do not think my medication is working because I only feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. Some days I am really happy and others I feel like I do tonight. I know I probably sound emo and should shut up and quit whinning. I really need to get over myself but how? I cannot even tell you how I feel one day to the next. I am really f**ked up right now and well, maybe I just need a break (like a week at the psyhco ward maybe).

Anyway, here goes: first we over draft my husbands account to buy things we needed, then he misses several days of work. Then because he missed work (because of really, really bad migraines), we could not afford to pay rent or all of the over draft, then he hurts his back, and misses yet more work and now we cannot pay rent again and still owe the bank 427.52 which is almost his entire check, now he missed more work today because of his back and a migraine, and he has spent all day in bed, except when he went to the doctor. This is not going to work out ok right now unless we can find some government agency to help us out, but what does that mean that we are lazy stupid people with kids who cannot make it on their own, and should not have them since they cannot afford them? That is how we will most likely be treated. I really hate being poor, because we cannot make ends meet no matter how hard we try. The photography studio cannot run without money to start it with. We were going to try to get the plan off the ground by next month, but it does not seem like it will happen. I am trying to figure out how we are going to get diapers without selling the few personal items we have. At least food in the beginning of the month is taken care of buy food stamps, but I am sick and tired of having them. I don't want to have to depend on anyone else to pay anything for us. It is very degrading to go into a store and when you go to pay for your groceries you pull out the blue link card to pay for them and you get all kinds of dirty looks for other customers and the cashier if you buy even one frivilous item. I really want to be on the upper end of things not on the bottom where everyone shits on you. It seems no matter how hard we try to better ourselves we always end up right back where we were in the first place. I am so close to just throwing in the towel and saying I am done with this, but I most likely won't because I really want to see my sons grow up and have kids of their own.

Sometimes I really wonder what I have done to end up like this? I don't want to be like my family and not care about anyone or thing but themselves. I just want a better live though for my family, not just because I want it but so my kids don't have to suffer, or do without. Is that really to much to ask for outta life?